Seems like a silly thing to ask, but really, don’t you just hate when your phone chirps unexpectedly and you realize…

Someone wants to talk to you.

Ugh!

I got a random message from a friend this morning. It was a nice, drama free communication that lasted a few minutes and ended on a positive note. After it was done, I was happy I’d been able to speak to them because it had been a while since I had checked in.

So why, when I first saw the message, did I have to consciously squash my annoyance and ignore the immediate urge to curse their entire family line?

Only God and a good therapist knows…

Anyway, instead of talking about my murky mental health, let me ask if the following is familiar.

Someone sends you a random message, or tags you in a post, or *gasp* calls you. Suddenly your day is out of whack, your annoyance level is off the charts and refuses to fade, (even if you didn’t read or respond because you know the message is there, waiting to interrupt you) and you just can’t seem to get back into the groove of being you.

For those of you who understand this, I’m glad I’m not alone. For those of you that don’t, please teach me your secrets!

Seriously though, I don’t know what it is, but I used to have the hardest time dealing with people contacting me. Maybe it’s because those notifications always seemed to come at the worst time. Or maybe because there are so many avenues of communication that it can be a little overwhelming to know people can reach out and touch you from any direction.

This issue of mine came into sharp focus after the sudden and unexpected death of my maternal grandfather just after Thanksgiving of 2019.

He and I weren’t close. We might have spoken once or twice a year for the last 10 years of his life – but he and my mom spoke regularly. And because she and I also speak regularly, I would often listen as she stressed over having to call him, or admitting to letting the phone go to voicemail and waiting to call him back. Not for any dramatic reason, just because she didn’t want to talk at that moment, or didn’t want to hear about the latest family drama, or she was busy.

Now that he’s gone and she can’t speak to him, she misses it just like most in that situation do. Though she’s never said so explicitly, I imagine she wishes she had answered the phone more often, or called back more promptly just to make up for these days when she can’t.

Watching my mom mourn and thinking about how she must be feeling after losing her father made me take a step back and think about my own way of reacting when people tried to contact me. I was already reevaluating life and how I was going about it since just a few short months prior, my wife had finished with chemo and her surgery was only days away. It forced me to face her mortality, and I had regrets.

How many messages of hers had I put off till later when now would have been fine? How many times had I been annoyed at being interrupted by her reaching out to ask a simple question? How often had I taken that frustration out on her when she had done nothing wrong?

Then I started asking myself if I had done the same things to others in my life.

I didn’t like any of the answers. I hated the thought that I had potentially hurt someone who was making an effort to communicate just because I was being selfish with my time and attention. I felt like an arrogant ass and quickly decided I needed to change that. ^{See footnote} So, I tried to create a habit of gratefulness every time someone messaged me unexpectedly.

When I started trying to create this habit, I didn’t have any specific goal in mind other than to not be a jerk and, to be honest, that’s still my primary goal. But in order not to be a jerk, I realized I had to twist my thought process away from my very selfish and unnecessary thoughts of “Why can’t everyone leave me alone!” to something more positive and productive.

I had to get a different perspective, so I thought about why people contact other people. Of course, there are many specific reasons, but they all seemed to fall into 4 basic categories.

• Just to check in: Just wanted to say hi! How are things going?

• Making plans: Hey, wanna hang out tomorrow night?

• Informational: I’ll be late to the party. Stuck in traffic

• And obvious cries for help: Wanna come over and listen to the new Nickleback album? ^{Note: Pretty sure Nickleback jokes aren’t a thing anymore, but they still make me giggle.}

Once I delved into it, I determined these were all worthy of celebration. I mean, think about it:

• People reaching out to check in? Awesome! That meant that they were thinking about me and cared about how I was doing.

• Making plans? Yes, please! I mean, as long as the plans are pizza and video games at home, I’m down with it.

• Passing along some needed info? Sure, that’s just plain courteous.

• And cries for help were the best kinds because that meant someone thought of me as a being who could actually help (as long as it doesn’t involve lifting a couch, at least.).

The point was most random messages were proof that I was seen, that I was loved, and that I was worthy of time – no matter what my inner demons whispered in my ear late at night when I couldn’t sleep.

Going forward from that, I really tried to switch things up so, as soon as I would feel my phone vibrate and the frustration well up, I would ask myself a few questions.

• Is what I’m doing important enough that I can’t be interrupted?
  • Yes: Did they know that?
    • Yes: Is it an emergency?
      • Yes: Why are you still talking to yourself?
      • No: Be honest and tell them you can’t talk right now.
  • No: Dude, chill.

Honestly, that was it. Just taking that moment to ask myself what I was doing that was so important usually stopped that knee-jerk reaction of “WHY!” that was my norm.

These days I find myself excited when I get a notification (except Instagram. Why does it send me notifications about messages I read 3 weeks ago??!!) and, overall, even when I have that surge of annoyance, I’m able to better manage it.

I hope my struggle with this small part of daily life might help others who feel similarly. And, though it may be a little odd to say considering our lack of relationship, I like to think that my Pop is the main influence for my change of mindset. For that, I’d just like to say thanks PopPop. I appreciate the help. You are missed.

If something here caught your attention and you want to talk about it, leave a comment down below and let’s have a conversation. Or if you’d rather keep it private, shoot me a message via my Contact page. You can also sign up if you’d like to get any future posts in your inbox (about one a week). If not, I hope you make your way back regularly.

~ K

Footnote: I am not saying that everyone should always want to speak to all the people in their life at all times. This article is about a behavior of mine that I was unhappy with and wanted to change for my own peace of mind. There are unhealthy behaviors to consider;abusive personalities, and all the other stuff that goes along with that. There are plenty of situations where frustration and anger are valid and I wholly recognize those.

Ernest “Ernie” Gordon Decker

January 23, 1934 – November 30, 2019